I need an outlet right now. Keeping a blog has been, obviously, impossible for me since working. I got a sort-of-promotion with a lot more responsibility and just haven't had the time/thought process in order to document and write about my food adventures. I do still cook, though! Just not as much as I used to.
In other news, something I just need to put out there:
I turn 27 in two days.
This is probably the most depressed I have ever been before a birthday.
It's not the number of my age. Not at all. I couldn't really care less how many years have passed in my life (well, maybe a little, but I'm not one of *those women* who feel the need to lie about their age or whatever).
It's the fact that for the first time...I don't want to make plans. I just don't feel like it.
I hate it.
I never wanted to be one of those adults who gives up on their birthday. I am someone who, when there is a reason to celebrate, I want to celebrate!
That's not happening this year.
Immigration is a miserable process when you're apart from your spouse. For the last 6 months, I have regretted nearly every day moving back here before starting my husband's immigration work. I miss him and our home and our family up there so much that some days I cannot stand it. And it's my own fault for wanting to leave so badly. We thought it would be faster if we were separated (that's how it is in Canada!), but it just drags on, and snags pop up everywhere. We have reached the point where asshole border patrol agents are flagging my husband's passport because he "visits too much" and "shows a pattern" (No shit. We're married. We want to see each other.), so now his trips to visit are even more limited...and I work retail, so getting time off to go to Montreal is not very easy.
Old demons are popping up. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to *do* anything. I go to work and get through the day, and get through my responsibilities, but all I think about is two things: food and sleep. Sometimes I just sit down and start crying for no reason (well, there's a reason, it's just not always apparent). Sometimes I get unreasonably annoyed and angry. I have isolated myself from, essentially, everyone. I don't want to be around other people very much. I don't want to go out with friends. When I do make plans, I will find a way out of them simply because the thought of putting in effort to be pleasant in that moment is just...bleh.
Depression is nothing new for me--I have struggled with it for most of my post-pubescent life. It has just been quite a while since it's reared its ugly head, and I know how miserable I am to be around/with when I feel this way. I am incredibly insecure, grumpy, cynical, easily set off, mostly very quiet and withdrawn, and I don't enjoy much of anything. I have to cut off myself from drinking because otherwise I end up in very dark places and just cry all night--and I have zero self control when I am down. One beer becomes four becomes a bottle of wine and some vodka very quickly.
So, I'm doing my best right now. This is a time where I probably really NEED a birthday party, but I simply do not have the energy to put one together. I fear that I would get everyone together and simply start crying because the person I REALLY want to be present, my husband, can't be here (ah, tears, there you are again). So no party this year.
This morning I woke up, had my breakfast, and have forced myself to make my birthday cake. This is something I have enjoyed doing for years--a challenge! Something different! Something new! Devising my own cakes and recipes. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (omg, last year's cake was disaster city).
I ALMOST made opera cake, but decided I didn't want to cry once more over three buttercream creations that somehow never work out (buttercream is my culinary arch-enemy).
I also wanted to make something semi-healthy, and by healthy, I mean not totally health-conscious-diet-destructive. I have gained considerable (for me) weight over the last 6 months (since the depression popped up) and I'm trying to lose it steadily. I know, I know, I look fine, but I'm just not happy with how my clothes fit or how I feel lately. I appreciate your compliments, but I dislike being unable to wear half of my wardrobe.
So I settled on devising a lower carb, kind-of-paleo cake recipe by merging a few (here and here and here) I had previously made. But it's also my birthday, so some "bad stuff" is okay.
Hopefully it tastes as good as it smells.
Cake:
1/2 cup (1 stick) butter or substitute (coconut oil, whatev)
1/2 cup coconut palm sugar
1/2 cup Splenda
2 cups almond meal
1/4 cup coconut flour
1/4 cup arrowroot starch
1 t. baking soda
Pinch sea salt
7 eggs, separated
Pinch of cream of tartar
2 small navel oranges (or one large)
1 large lemon
Pinch of saffron in 1 T. boiling water
In a medium saucepan, cover lemon and oranges in water and bring to a boil. Lower heat and cook for 2 hours, until a fork goes right through the rind. Drain, and once cool enough to handle, cut in half along the "equator" and remove seeds. Puree separately in a food processor.
Preheat the oven to 350degreesF. Grease and flour two 8-inch round cake pans, and line with parchment paper.
Cream the butter and sugar(s) together in a large bowl until well incorporated. Add in the egg yolks and mix.
Sift together the dry ingredients and add to egg/butter mixture, mixing on medium-high until fully blended. Add in the saffron/water mixture as well, and the poppy seeds. Your batter will be quite thick--think cookie dough. Divide evenly between two medium-sized bowls.
Whip the egg whites on high speed, with cream of tartar, until stiff peaks form.
In one bowl, add the pureed oranges and mix. In the other, add the lemon.
Fold equal amounts of egg whites into each mixture, and pour each into its prepared pan.
Bake for 45-55 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
Vanilla Cream Cheese Frosting:
2 sticks (1 cup) butter, room temp.
3/4 cup soft goat cheese (chevre), room temp.
3/4 cup cream cheese, room temp.
2 cups powdered sugar
1 vanilla bean, scraped out
Whip together butter and cheeses until fluffy. Add in sugar a little at a time (I don't really know how much I added--I don't like super-sweet icing, and added until it tasted right and had a nice consistency for me). Lastly, add in the vanilla bean and whip until desired consistency is reached.
I'm sure you could use partial sugar substitute in this recipe, but I...just didn't feel like messing up frosting.
When it's assembled, I'll add pictures. Cakes are still cooling!
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